first.

i've often wondered why people are always so emo on blogs. i guess i'm starting to know why. god knows where my old blog went, and if memory serves well, i hope i never see it again. so here goes nothing. oh, just so you know. i'm not doing that i-woke-up-at-8am-brushed-my-teeth-put-on-my-uniform kinda thing, and i probably won't be blogging as often as most bloggers do.

DRAINED.

drained. that's the only word i can think of to describe what i was feeling for the most part of last night. after the peer counselling meeting, after talking to a couple of friends about our lives and the problems that our lives revolve around, i was brought back into the room where i spent most of my time in when i was 15. this room had nothing, for i had nothing at the time. or at least it felt like i had nothing. that's the ironic thing you see. those conundrums, those problems, those worries that used to take up every inch of my brain, they no longer exist, or should i say that at least they're buried (for now), i think.

so i sat there in that room i had so much hatred for, staring at blank walls in the dark, walls that had no windows in them, nor doors, hence the absence of light, just thinking about questions we all ask for which answers we are always unable to provide. one of them was something i read off a friend, although i think it might have been meant in totally different context. why do people always settle for living in content? i for one, am a victim of that. just like most people, i am a daughter of filial obedience, i try to be the best sister, the best friend, the best student that i could possibly be; i study, i don't go out that often, i have good relationships with both my parents, i do what i'm supposed to. i do these things because i know that they will make others happy, make them feel better when they're around me, but are these things really what i've always wanted in life?

if there's one thing i have learnt about myself in the past couple of years is that i do not have the guts to say "no". time after time, my "yes"'s have been said sometimes with the utmost candor, but other times with burdening disinclination. there have been too many fake smiles plastered on my face, fake laughs at appropriate timings just to show that i belong, that i wasn't some sort of outcast weirdo. then i start to think about all the friends that i have made throughout the years, how many of them have i kept? how many of them have i forgotten about, both intentionally and otherwise? how many of them have i lost? and last but not least, how many real ones do i have left? so i carefully do the calculations in my head, but end up giving up because i know that no matter how long i spend trying to remember names and faces, the final number will never ever amount to a 10.

it saddens me most when i think about the ones that i have lost. terence hanbury white once said, "perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically to those who hardly think about us in return." those words could not be any clearer to me than they are now in this moment of vulnerability. have you ever heard a phrase or a sentence or just a few mere words spoken as if it was only meant for your ears alone and no other? that quote speaks to me every single time i think about the people that i have loved, but are no longer by my side. and no, i'm not talking about lawless boyfriend-girlfriend love, for i have never had a boyfriend nor have i experienced love of that sort, partly because i never felt like i needed one, also partly because i tend to fall for those who end up as my best friends instead, which is not a bad thing.

as i sat there in that room, in my room, pondering, i realised that the root of all the problems that i have or have had is love. i also realised that every single time something good happens, something else that is good will start to deteriorate. maybe this happens just so my emotions could be balanced out, never too happy, never too sad; but why does it always have to fall into this exact routine pattern?

"the best thing for being sad," replied merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. that's the only thing that never fails. you may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. there is only one thing for it then - to learn. learn why the world wags and what wags it. that is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. learning is the only thing for you. look what a lot of things there are to learn." - T.H. White